Aus Peer Review 1 – Charlotte: Bathurst

Charlotte Alphonso: Bathurst

Hey Charlotte,
I love the rambling nature of this piece, it really feels like you’re following memories, jumping from one to the next as thoughts tend to do. I really get a sense of your connection to your childhood home as you paint a vivid picture of the carefree life of a child. I particularly like the line “The pockets of my pants would hang low overflowing with rocks and pebbles I would collect, as if I was taking part of the river with me wherever I go”. It’s such a lovely sentiment and made me laugh as I recall doing similar things as a child.
Maybe include a picture if you have any, it would really help bring your piece to life.
There are a couple of very minor grammatical errors e.g. “Reminisce (on)”, “back (to) my home” and “(filled my whole heart)”. The last sentence is very long and could be broken up into two for ease of reading, but otherwise a lovely, well written entry.

 

 

 

Image taken from Disability Service Consulting: http://www.disabilityservicesconsulting.com.au/resources/sda-review

1 Comment

  1. An outstanding peer review Mikaela! Supportive and yet very gently, usefully critical. Keep this up!.
    Two other minor things. Your grey font is not so easy to read against the black background. Can you make it white? Also your drop down menus take you straight to a screen with more choices…. not a problem, but just worth noting.
    Editing Needed (and some workshop follow-ups- see Purdue Owl for help: http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/section/1/
    *Its such a lovely sentiment = It’s such a lovely sentiment [ it’s=it is [this is one of those odd exceptions in the English Language where the normal use of ‘s for possessive case or ownership has been upstaged.]
    ]

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s